So it’s been a while since I did my last Discussion post or post on Anxiety and I really needed to get some things off my chest. To do a rant and just get the feelings that have been plaguing me out there and to do an update for you all.
For those who may be new to my blog, I have struggled with my Anxiety for years and I finally went to my doctor last year and was placed on medication. In terms of how that’s going months later… well things are better but by no means great. Sadly there is no cure for Anxiety. I’m on a small dose of medication and whilst I managed to attend university with little to no physical symptoms during my final year, now I’ve finished things feel back to square one. Maybe it’s because I feel more pressure and stress trying to work full time and figure out my life when I have zero clue?
Despite having dealt with the Stigma surrounding Mental Health as a whole for years I’m still so defeated by it. I’m so sick of hearing ‘just do it, and you’ll be fine’ or ‘its all in your head.’ I wish people could understand what is going on in my head, the strong pains I get in my stomach as well as the sickness etc when my Anxiety kicks in. How it effects every aspect of my life not only in terms of leaving the house and going out but from the clothes I wear to what I eat. I really want to be normal so bad and be able to travel and do the things my friends do but I can’t. My biggest fear I had before seeking help was that i’d be admitting that I wasn’t normal? This is what the Stigma surrounding mental health does to you. What even is normal? Who decides what is normal? Yet here I am begging to be normal.
When I blog I feel like i’m the most real me. I feel like there’s people out there that understand me better. I have friends that truly do understand and have helped save me but even they don’t know the true extent.Whenever I see someone online expressing their pain I want to hug them and send them messages to let them know they’re not alone. Like I feel so often.
I’m sick of being told i’m boring for not wanting to go out drinking and be put in situations that make my anxiety worse. I’m sick of being told how because I don’t go out i’ll be alone? That I need to go out every weekend to meet a boy because I can’t survive without a boyfriend? I’m just sick of it all. Although my family know I have anxiety I still get questioned about everything and comments. I want schools to teach about mental health and for people to have a world where they don’t have to feel alone and scared like I do. But what steps do we take to do that?
The Book Community is something that I think has honestly saved me. It’s a place I feel more me than the real me because if I show people the real me where I actually live then the judging starts for liking to read or even having anxiety. Everything.
I even get anxiety about the book community. When I leave comments, tweet you I feel like I’m forcing myself onto you. That people hate me and are like ‘this girl is so annoying please leave.’ My anxiety makes me question everything.
I don’t really know what I expected for this post? I’ve been keeping so much bottled inside me that today thing’s just bubbled over and I needed to let it out.
I love you all. Thank you for letting me vent. If you ever need to talk then I am always here. If you want any posts on my journey with Anxiety please do not hesitate to ask.