Anxiety – My Story.

Today I want to do something which isn’t about books, but Mental Health. Mental Health is so important to me and its something that seems to be such a Taboo topic and it honestly shouldn’t be. I want to use this post today to talk about my story with my Anxiety and I hope it helps someone in some way. I won’t go into crazy detail so I’ll try to keep this concise and to the point for you all. 

Admitting you have Anxiety may be one of the hardest things you ever do. Getting help about Anxiety or any mental health is another hard thing. It can feel like the loneliest time in your life, even if your surrounded by friends and family offering support. Sometimes being surrounded by people can make it harder because they don’t understand.

I’ve had anxiety for a very long time but it wasn’t until I was about 19 that I really understood what it was I had. I suppose my first anxious thoughts started when I was 11, up until this point I was out-going. I would have sleepovers with my friends and family, go out with my friends into town but then my mum went into hospital for an operation. She was only in for a little while perhaps a week? It was so long ago that I can’t remember exactly in my mind the details, which makes it so weird that it still affects me today. Following on from my mum being away in hospital is when it all started. I wouldn’t be able to have sleepovers because I would make myself sick with worry and I would cry a lot. I think it’s because I had this fear of something happening to my family. Home became my safe zone. If I was at home I was fine. Sleepovers became a no go for me, which is hard when you’re a young girl about to go into Secondary school and make new friends because sleepovers were the norm, a right of passage you might say.

Then it became into something else…trips out became scary, I would stay up all night the night before a day out crying and worrying. Sometimes I would wake up the next day and be ok and feel like I could go but they were rare times. For years I just let my anxiety rule what I could and couldn’t do. I made excuses along the way to drop out of things. Fast forward until I’m 18 and my friends are organizing a holiday together. It sounded amazing at first and I even got excited but I was kidding myself because then the plans became real and I couldn’t do it. So I dropped out and they went.

The thing with my anxiety seems to be, it has good months and bad months. One summer when I was 19 going towards 20, I was able to go out on nights out with my friends and have fun. Have sleepovers and I even attended a 3 day music festival which meant camping in a field for three days. BREAKTHROUGH? For three days it was.
The summer broke and now I’m 22 and back to how I was. I can no longer really drink alcohol because I have this intense fear attached to it that I am going to be sick because of it. I have a phobia of being sick as well, match that with how much of a hypochondriac I am and you can just imagine my mind.

Last year is when I finally decided enough was enough. I needed to get myself to the doctor after years of my friends begging me to go. I never went because I was scared they would tell me something was wrong with me? I just want to be normal I would tell myself and I truly had this fear that I wasn’t normal until very recently. I felt like an outsider and part of that is because mental illness is never talked about. Not once during my time at school did I ever get taught about mental illness. I live in a small town and only until recently has there been any sign of a counselling service here.

The final breaking point for me was the fact I could barely go to university anymore, I would have anxiety attacks every morning on the train. I would miss a lot of days. I couldn’t go to the cinema, I couldn’t handle going into the town where I lived because I started thinking I would suddenly get sick.
My anxiety comes with physical symptoms of being sick and I have stomach aches so the fear of suddenly getting sick isn’t some fair fetched phobia because it would happen nearly everytime.

So I finally booked an appointment for when my parents were on holiday. It was the scariest thing I have ever done, I didn’t tell anybody about it. I didn’t want them hovering over me. I went on my own and spoke to a female doctor because I felt more comfortable being so open to her and she placed me on medication and its helped me immensely.

I have to go back in spring for a review and I hope I can stay on them because the days I accidentally miss them I feel awful. I feel the fear and doubt creeping back in more than it usually is. Medication isn’t a magic cure, anxiety sadly never goes away but the transformation it can lead you to is amazing. Whilst I still struggle with meals out or being too far away from home just in-case I get sick,  I’ve managed to attend university fine this year. I haven’t spent the mornings making myself sick with worry. I’ve done better in my work and I’ve contributed more.
Some days are better than others but it’s better to have one bad day or a few bad days then 365 bad days. 

I also created my blog in my anxiety transition, if you go back you will find some posts I have previously done on it. Without this blog I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. I have been introduced to some wonderful people who are so supportive and who are going through their own struggles and they have helped me on this path to get better. I love coming on here reading your comments and sharing my love for books with you all and I can never thank you enough for following me and giving me this life line.

If you ever need to talk about anxiety or anything then I will listen. I want to create a lifestyle page on this blog where I will post more about anxiety and perhaps booktubers who have helped me with my anxiety. Tips, in-fact anything you would like to hear then I will do, just comment below and tell me.

There are some parts of my story that I have left out of this post, I have battled with symtoms towards depression and OCD tendencies as well. All of which linked to my Anxiety, I may share them with you at some point. It’s hard to write things like this and be so honest, to open myself up to you but it feels so good to tell my story. To get rid of the pressure I have felt and just be honest that I’m not a confident person, I’m not always happy and I struggle. 

Please remember, if you have anxiety or any mental illness then you are not alone. You are loved, you are worthy and strong.  If you are considering hurting yourself please speak to someone. There are tons of charities out there such as Samaritans who offer services where you can speak to someone about your thoughts or they offer Suicide Survivors and Prevention groups. 

www.samaritans.org   |    www.samaritansusa.org

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “Anxiety – My Story.

    1. Thank you Kayla! It means so much to get support. I think I might do a post on dealing with anxiety and hope it may help someone in some way. Its always refreshing to hear the words ‘you’re not alone’ because you very much feel that way sometimes 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I relate to this so much! It’s so annoying how much my anxiety gets in the way of such normal activities like going on a bus/train or going out shopping. I would love to get help for it because I’ve lived this way for far too long but I have no idea how to go about doing that. I’ve gone to my doctors with physical illnesses in the past and they’ve not believed me or dismissed me, so I’m scared that they’ll react the same when I try to explain what’s going on with me mentally. I also have depressive/OCD traits too, and the past couple weeks especially have been pretty rough! It’s wonderful to see that you’ve taken a brave step towards getting help, maybe I can do the same one day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw Jess thank you so much for reading and commenting. Firstly can I say you are in a good place because you have admitted to yourself that you need some help, i’m so sorry that your doctors haven’t believed you about previous physical issues. That is so wrong and I can imagine why you are so worried about going again. When I went to mine, I went to a female doctor at my practice (usually I go to any I can get an appointment with) and I just went in and said ‘I think I have anxiety’ and explained all my symptoms etc. If you feel like you can’t visit any doctor at your practice because of their lack of understanding, then I know there are websites which allow you to chat to advisers online. I could do a post on how to try to deal with anxiety? Things that helped me before I visited my doctors? Would that help in anyway? If you want to talk or ask any questions then please feel free to email me. My email is hannahsreadingcorner@gmail.com just incase 🙂 Sending hugs your way lovely <3x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. This will be beneficial to others dealing with anxiety – make them see they’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Hannah. I am a very anxious person and I could relate to some of the things you went through here, you’re definitely not alone ❤ Always here if you need to talk ❤

    Like

    1. Thank you Marie! I’m going to be doing a post on ways I tried to deal with my anxiety before visiting the doctors and being placed on medication 🙂 Not sure when it will be up yet but I hope there will be something on there that may help you in times you feel at your most anxious ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw, Hannah. I am so proud of you for posting this and you should be proud of yourself too. I completely relate to everything you’ve said. I was officially diagnosed at 15, but I think I’ve felt this way since I was about 12. It’s always harder when there doesn’t seem to be an apparent reason because it makes you think even more that you’re just overreacting. It’s hard when the simplest things are a struggle. Like, it’s almost hard to believe that people can leave their house without having a panic attack?? Haha. Going to the doctors was one of the hardest things I’ve done and I’ve been on and off meds since I was 15 so I totally get that struggle too. You’re seriously so brave for not only seeking help, but doing it all on your own too. Thank you for posting this ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing part of your story too ❤ Getting so scared to even leave your house is so hard to communicate to other people as well, like friends and family can try to be supportive but nobody really gets it do they? It's one of those things that you have to experience to really understand I think

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s